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Last month, I shared a post about the importance of continuing to visit friends and relatives who live with dementia. I also included 50 ideas for meaningful activities you can enjoy together.
Recently I heard from two of my readers who expressed feeling discouraged when they visit the nursing home. In both cases, their husbands recently entered memory care units, and they become angry and upset when their wives visit.
I’m so grateful that my readers brought up this concern. That’s because it’s a genuine problem for many people. By discussing it openly, I believe we can all work together and come up with helpful suggestions.
First, I’ll share a few thoughts from my experience working in memory care:
We all have ups and downs
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel frustrated, sad, worried, or angry. Because of social norms, I keep these moods in check and avoid taking them out on other people.
The problem in dementia is that often the part of the brain that controls social norms becomes damaged by the disease. This results in an exaggerated display of otherwise normal emotions. A person with a typically calm and easygoing personality might suddenly shout, curse, hurl insults, or do other things that come as a shock to others.
As difficult as this might be, it’s essential not to take it personally. Remember that what you’re witnessing is because of damage in the person’s brain, and it’s beyond their control.
Avoid arguing
For people living with dementia, their reality is just as real to them as our reality is to us. Arguing rarely does any good and usually only escalates the problem.
What should you do instead? One beauty of dementia is that people living with the disease are usually easily distracted. That’s why it’s essential to come prepared with simple but meaningful activities you can do together. Also, be aware of activities available within the facility that might offer a distraction.
In addition, try to respond to the person’s feelings instead of their actions. While it’s natural to become defensive, it’s more helpful to let them know that you understand, and you want to help.
Watch your own emotions
People living with dementia often become very sensitive to the feelings of others. Even though they might not understand what you say, they pick up on your facial expression, tone of voice, and body language.
This means that if you appear anxious or upset when you come to visit, then your loved one could easily become upset, too. So take a deep breath and put on a smile before you enter the building.
This, too, shall pass
As hard as the situation feels right now, remember that this eventually will pass. As your loved one adjusts to their new home, or as they move on to another stage of the disease, things will get better.
In the meantime, your role is to let your family member or friend know that they are loved and not forgotten. It’s also important to take care of yourself, so you can continue to be there for them down the road.
Find support
Most of all, this is a concern you shouldn’t need to handle all by yourself. Talk with your loved one’s caregivers to find out more information and see what they suggest.
For example, is there a better time of the day when you could come to visit? Have they noticed things that trigger these powerful emotions? Are all the resident’s physical needs being met, such as pain control, hunger, thirst, toileting, and quality sleep? (Here’s a free printable that you’ll find helpful.)
The facility social worker or chaplain are other excellent resources. Let them know what you’re experiencing, and together you can brainstorm ways to create more positive visits.
Finally, don’t overlook community resources. Find out about local support groups. Check with the public library for books or DVDs to learn more about dementia. And remember that the Alzheimer’s Association is available by phone 24/7 to answer your questions and offer support: 800-272-3900.
The women who brought this topic to my attention are looking for help, and I know I don’t have all the answers. I know that my blog readers include quite a few people who work or volunteer in memory care units. What other thoughts or suggestions can you add?
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