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Something has been weighing heavily on my mind over the past few weeks. I’m hearing that the incidence of domestic abuse is rising significantly during the COVID-19 pandemic. Here’s why that bothers me so much.
Years ago, I worked as an RN at a nursing home in a small town in Montana. On a couple of occasions, I noticed bruises on the arms of a CNA. One day, I took her aside and encouraged her to tell me what was going on. She confirmed her husband was physically abusive. I urged her to get out of that situation, and I shared resources where she could find help.
The CNA chose not to seek help, and I couldn’t understand why. When I moved away a few months later, nothing had changed, and I’m not sure how this story ended. Little did I ever imagine that less than ten years later, I would be the one living in an abusive marriage.
The chances are excellent that someone you work with is silently living in an abusive relationship. While this topic is still difficult for me to write about, I feel I must if it will help someone else. I hope my story helps you understand why people stay in abusive relationships and how you can provide support.
Before I go into the details, I think it’s important to understand what domestic abuse means. When we hear that term, we often think of blackened eyes or broken bones. Yet, there are many other types of abuse.
It’s also crucial to recognize the signs that a co-worker may experience domestic abuse. Next week, we’ll look at what you can do to help when you see these signs.
There are dozens of reasons someone may not want to leave an abusive relationship. Today, I’ll share the ones I know through personal experience.
Promises
When I eventually sought help at a crisis center, I learned that domestic abuse often follows a predictable cycle. As I look back, I can clearly see this in my marriage.
After an episode of abusive behavior, my husband would apologize and promise never to treat me that way again. Each time, I hoped and prayed that he genuinely meant it. Unfortunately, as time went on, the abuse became more frequent, and the periods of calm became shorter.
Religious beliefs
When I was growing up, my family attended a conservative Baptist church where we learned that divorce is a sin. I believed that if my marriage failed, I would be a failure in the eyes of God.
It was through talking with a chaplain at the nursing home that I came to understand another point of view. I now believe that although divorce is not part of God’s plan for his people, he doesn’t demand that we stay and endure an abusive relationship.
Children
Over the years, I met lots of single parents, and I saw the struggles many of their children faced. I believed it was crucial for the good of my children to keep our family together.
Little did I realize that witnessing abusive behavior in our home could have serious adverse effects on my children. In particular, it increased the probability that my son might abuse others as he got older. And it put my daughter at risk of getting involved in abusive relationships as she grew up.
Finding fault
Abusers become very adept at convincing their partner they deserve the abuse. When you repeatedly hear put-downs from someone you love, it’s hard not to believe them.
If I was a better cook. If I kept the apartment neater. If I was better in bed. If I disciplined the kids more often. There was always a reason my husband’s abusive behavior was my fault.
Embarrassment
It’s sometimes hard to admit that abuse is going on in one’s marriage. I was an intelligent woman with a college degree. I was a nurse who effectively supervised many other employees at my job.
So, how was it I allowed someone to treat me like this? I worried people would judge me or think less of me if they learned what was going on behind closed doors.
Fear
As odd as it may sound, sometimes the certainty of knowing what to expect in an abusive marriage is less scary than the uncertainty of what might come with a divorce.
My husband and I struggled financially, and I didn’t know how I could support myself and my children on my own. Where could we go? Who would care for my children when I was at work? My husband also threatened to take our two children and file for full custody. That was the scariest threat of all.
Next week, I’ll share how you can help someone living in an abusive relationship. In the meantime, I would love to see your questions and thoughts in the comment section.
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